According to recent studies more people who marry outside their own culture are at risk for separation or divorce. Personally, eight women I know have divorced from their cross-cultural marriages.
Whether you marry within or outside your own culture, sooner or later conflicts will show up in any marriage. With cross-cultural marriages, though, the problems may seem insurmountable. No matter what the differences you and your spouse might have, you must find your way of working through them.
Whatever your reason was for marrying outside your race or religion, you have chosen a course that will undoubtedly be much more difficult than the average marriage. Your cultural, traditional, and religious differences will pull you this way and that way, possibly pulling you apart. Cross-cultural marriages can be loving, exciting, beautiful relationships if you know how to handle them, or they can be hell, a thunderstorm of emotion and pain.
My hopes in writing this simple guide is to encourage families to take some simple steps to improve their relationships, avoid problems before they ariseو and provide some simple steps to resolve them if they do.
My #1 piece of advice to cross-cultural couples:
Understand that your spouse doesn't know everything you know and that you don't know everything he/she knows. Educating yourselves ahead of time about what to expect from each other's culture, religion, and traditions will save you a lot of arguments down the road.
Before moving to Egypt, and before marrying Wael we spent six weeks preparing each other about what to expect from both American and Egyptian cultures. While we are both Muslim, we did talk about our beliefs because it is important to us to be on the same page, or at least understand what the other believes.
I asked specific questions about family structure, punishment of children, housing market, what is expected of men and women in a marriage, the influence of his family on our marriage, how women act in public and in private in Egypt. He asked me the same kind of questions about America. I even asked if there were cows in Egypt (Growing up in Wisconsin we know that dairy cows require a lot of water and Egypt is a desert and everywhere near water is highly populated, so I wasn't sure. Yes, we have cows, and they even live in town, ).
One thing I was glad to learn about Egyptian men is that they are trained from birth to be 'tough' in public. Men are not raised to tell their wives they love them in the company of their friends, kissing in public is actually illegal, and you will not be able to disrespect them in any way outside of the home (and in some marriages, inside the home). While he has gotten used to telling me he loves me openly (and even almost kissed me once in public after coming off the ferry from work), it was hard on him at first. Egyptian men are raised to think that showing emotions such as sadness, love, and fear is a sign of weakness, and it will make them look weak therefore putting their family and egos at risk.
This was an important thing to know. Can you imagine telling your husband you love him in front of his family or friends and expecting a returned "I Love You" only to get looked at strangely. Oh, I would have been highly offended, and it most likely would have lead to a big argument.
My point is, before you even get married learn as much as you can about the other person. Don't be blinded by love because that only leads to mistakes. Is there something you can't live with in the other person's culture or traditions? It's better to know now than to find out it is a divorce factor later.
Tip # 2:
Learn your spouses native language and teach them yours.
There is nothing worse than sitting there bored with a conversation that you can't even understand. There will come a time when you will meet his family, and I'm sorry, but you can't expect them all to learn English, that's not even fair. If you plan on moving to your spouse's country and want to live a near normal life, independent of having absolutely everything translated for you, you have to learn your spouse's native language. The same goes for them as well, especially if you two are planning on traveling or immigrating to the United States.
Both of you knowing the other's language will solve a lot of problems before they even arise. For example I knew a girl who was engaged to a Jordanian man. He didn't speak any English, and she didn't speak any Arabic. Their conversations over skype and facebook were mostly done with google translate. A lot of Arabic words do not directly translate into English, and this caused major communication problems. After their marriage, they would scream at each other aimlessly because he or she said something the other mistranslated. They divorced after only five months of marriage. In any marriage, communication is key if you can't communicate in at least one language why even get married? Just saying.
Tip # 3:
Just because you're American doesn't make you better than anyone. You are not above anyone or their Country's laws.
I understand American pride. I understand that we are brought up thinking we are superior to other nations because of our capitalism and military power, but here is the reality, we are no better than anyone and if you go into your marriage thinking this you will fail.
I find it, as an America, really insulting when other Americans walk around foreign countries like they own them. Like their little blue passports make them above the locals. The women who if they can't get their way, can't find somewhere, or don't understand will just start shouting at you like you're less than them. Yes, you might be American but you are only human, and you are NOT better than anyone else.
An example of this would be a woman I know. She married an Egyptian man and thought she was much better than all of the Egyptian people. While my husband and I were eating with her and her husband she was talking about how savage Egyptians were because they don't use silverware. You could visually see that she was upsetting her husband. She turned to me trying to prove her point and asked how I would eat a steak. To her surprise, I eat steak with my hands. Now this woman, a devout Muslim woman, was criticizing something thought to be Sunnah by Muslims because the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ ate with his hands. Her explanations were that she was American and taught to be civilized and grew up in an Officer's Club. She still struggles with the uncivilized ways of living in Egypt and hates it here.
I have seen women insult their husband's families for being backward, call the embassy because they wanted to get above the law (which doesn't work btw) and talk down to people. Fast way to cause problems in your marriage. You are both human, both equal, no one is better because of where he or she comes from. Simply, if you think you're so much better, why don't you marry an American than? Why are you choosing someone you can't stand to be around and a culture you loathe?
Tip # 4:
If you are having problems talk about them, be honest, patient, and be open minded.
I know you might be frustrated, at your whits end, but at one time you probably loved your spouse, and most likely you still do. Chose what you say and do wisely. Take the time to listen to their point of view, trying to understand where they are coming from-even if it is really hard to understand.
As Americans, we have views that are much different than many other cultures. For a lot of people, understanding why a woman would want to choose to cover her head would be very hard to comprehend. Just as for a Muslim man, having a wife or daughter who wants to go to the beach in a bikini would be insulting and incomprehensible. You have to put yourself in their shoes. If your spouse is upset about it, it probably means a lot to them. No matter how angry you are, shut up and listen.
You may not understand right away, or ever, but if you want your marriage to work out, you will both have to find a middle ground. Compromise. Find a way to make everyone happy. It takes work but if you truly love one another and want to make it work you have to try.
My final tip:
Plan for the future. Talk about having children. Talk about burial. Talk about retirement. Where you will live, etc...
Having babies will be a big challenge if you don't discuss this ahead of time. What religion will your child be brought up in? Do you both agree whether your child will be circumcised or not? How many children do you want? Will raise your children according to your culture and traditions, theirs, or both? If you're Muslim and raise your children Muslim, will your daughters be required to wear hijab and at what age? Will you celebrate traditional American holidays with your children and their traditional holidays?
Another important topic to discuss is death. While none of us want to imagine death, one day it will happen to all of us. Being prepared for your spouses requests is important. Cremation or Not? Religious burial or not? Funeral requests, last words, your will, where you will want to be buried. All things to plan for. You never know when God is going to call you to him, it could be today, tomorrow, in a year, or in 50... Better to be prepared than to have the extra stress when it does happen.
Wael and I talked about this right way. I had no specific expectations or requests other than to be buried close to him. He feels very strongly about being buried in Egypt, near his family, no matter where we live when he passes away. This is a good thing to know because shipping a body over seas can be expensive so saving for it now is smart. Also, it prepares me to know I may be living away from his body after he passes.
Finally, where will you live when you get married... It's an important question if you're from different countries. You both will most likely have family that you may have to leave behind. Don't think he should have to leave, or you should have to leave. It should be a mutual decision. Take the time to study things such as the economy, will you be able to support your family where you choose to live. Things like what you can and can't live with will also be important.
Please note that I am in no way a marriage expert, I am just someone with experience in the matter and who has made mistakes. I think that it is important to learn from our mistakes and the mistakes of others and to help wherever you can.
If you have any advice of your own you'd like to add, please let me know.
Good luck and may God grant you a blessed marriage!
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