Keeping Kids out of the Middle of a Divorce

Everyone knows that kids should be protected from their parents’ conflicts.  It’s tough to do this when emotions run high, and you are hurting and angry.  When you are in so much pain, you may turn to your children for comfort or support, or you may want to tell them the “truth” about the other parent.  So why is this such a bad idea?  

Kids who are caught in the middle of their parents’ conflict and divorce have worse outcomes than those whose parents prioritize a “child-centered divorce.”  A search on Google brings up many references to the term, a “child-centered divorce.”  There are helpful websites and blogs that advocate for a peaceful (out of court) resolution of the divorce, and a parenting plan that prioritizes the needs of the children.

This means that kids whose parents stay angry and hostile have more emotional and behavior problems that last into adulthood.  The good news is that kids whose parents are able to move beyond the conflict have a good chance at success in life, in school, their relationships, future positive mental health.   

Many parents going through divorce have told me that their children are “fine”; that they are “resilient,” but my experience as a child therapist has taught me something different.  In the privacy of the therapy office, children talk about their parents’ arguments, their worries about money, the accusations of betrayal or their fears about the future.  Because kids worry about their parents, they often cope by trying to look better than they really feel.  Inside they may be deeply pained but unable to talk to their parents when they see how much their parents are suffering.  They intuitively sense that their parents have enough to worry about, or that their parents need to see the children as fine.

So why keep your kids out of the middle?  For their own mental health, they need to love both of you, and if they feel caught in the middle, they may feel they have to choose between you.  This is damaging to children.  Your children know that they have a part of each of you in them, and if they turn against a parent, it is as if they are turning against a part of themselves.  

What happens when kids are caught in the middle?  They feel like they are caught in a terrible tug-of-war.  They may feel they need to determine who is at fault, or what is “fair.”  They may feel burdened by their parents’ emotions and not able to express their own.  They may begin to regress, shut down, or act out. 

Here are some ways to protect your kids:

1. Don’t speak badly of the other parent.  Don’t blame them, criticize or complain about them.  If you’re a kid, this hurts!  Seek out your friends or a therapist if you need to vent or complain.  And make sure your family and friends won't repeat this in front of your children either.
2. Don’t ask your kids to take sides.  Ask yourself if you are doing so, even in subtle ways, and remind yourself that it is healthier for your kids to love both parents.
3. Don’t send messages or paperwork with the kids when they go to their other parent.  Keep the divorce business well away from them.
4. Don’t talk about the divorce business, about the meetings, the financial settlement details or division of property.  Legal talk is painful for kids to hear and distracts them from being able to focus on their job—to be kids. 
5. Don’t have difficult conversations with your spouse when the kids are being transferred from one of you to the other parent. Keep these out of earshot and private.  You would be surprised about how much your kids actually already hear and know.
6. Don’t ask your kids to keep secrets from their other parent. 
7. Don’t use your kids as your confidantes.  You need adults to turn to for support.  Connect with friends, family, a divorce support group or a therapist.
8. Don’t ask your kids about your spouse’s personal life, like if s/he is dating.
9. Don’t restrict your kids’ time with their other parent because you are mad at your spouse. 

Here some things you can do to help your kids stay out of the middle of the conflict:

1. Minimize the disruptions to the kids’ routines as much as possible.
2. Make sure both parents stay involved with your kids.  Make sure they have frequent and ongoing contact with both of you.
3. Provide frequent reassurance.  The divorce isn’t their fault—they didn’t cause it, and they can’t change it.
4. Focus on their growth and healthy change as they adapt and adjust to the new family structure.  It can help some kids to say “We are still one family, under two roofs.”
5. Model respect for their other parent. 
6. Let the children continue to be kids.  Maintain their play dates and other activities as much as possible.
7. Imagine the story you want your children to tell about their parents’ divorce, and know that every day you are helping them to construct that story.
8. Create a parenting plan that minimizes the potential for conflict.  By creating and committing to a set of default decisions, together with your spouse, the potential conflict will be minimized.
9. Seek professional help if necessary, with or without your ex.

Remember that the divorce is a problem to be solved by you and your spouse, the adults, and your kids will benefit from knowing that their parents will continue to parent them together, even if they are living under two roofs.  Take the time to work with a professional, if necessary, to resolve your grievances with your spouse so that your children don’t carry the burden of bitterness and grief into their future.  Thousands of kids go through divorce with their families, but you can help them to overcome the challenges, become more stress-resistant, resilient, and flexible, by keeping them out of the middle of the divorce.  One to two years after a “child-centered” divorce, most kids are on track and healthy.

Loss and Grief

I carried her inside me but I'll never get to hear her cries, her laughter, her singing that would have been music to my ears. I never got to hold her, read to her, or watch her sleep.  I will never get they joys of knowing she will grow into a beautiful woman.  

Yesterday I lost my baby girl, my miracle baby.  She was a true gift from God.  I carried her for 10 weeks inside me and loved her from the moment I knew she was there.  She is my baby girl and forever will be.

Yasmeen is her name.  I will never get to call her, never get to brag.  I will never get the right to be her mother in the aspects I should.  

Please do not tell me that time will heal my pain, because no matter how much time passes it will not bring my baby girl home again.  I will never get to hold her, but we're never far apart.  My arms will always feel empty, my soul will always feel partly empty.  Her little life, my angel, I wasn't allowed to keep.  Her loss is like an arrow stabbing right through my chest.  Don't tell me that I will get over her because she is still my child, whether or not she got to breath the air on earth, God blessed my life with her.  

I was lost!!

I guess it is apparent that I haven't blogged in some time.  It is definitely not attributed to my lack of time, because time is something I am never lacking in lately.  I have become what irritates me the most.  A drama filled mess.  Yes, I let the drama get to me.

I have always advocated against women putting their marital or ex marital problems on Facebook, making a scene, and dragging others into their drama.  This is Facebook, not Jerry Springer. I have unfriended countless people for having to read their drama day in and day out.

Up until about two weeks ago, I have always thought of myself as the happy-go-luck, drama free type.  Yep we all have our problems, but ultimately, I believe in Allah's will and remained calm and patient.  I didn't let the things that bothered me effect those around me, let alone show anyone that things bothered me at all.  I guess part of me still believes that if you see me in pain I'm showing my weakness and that makes me vulnerable.

Well, I don't know what happened exactly.  For some reason I lost it.  Maybe it was just a stress overload, maybe it was just the process of events, or I just stopped caring...  The moment I found out my ex husband is using and selling my daughter's adderall prescription I lost all sense of reality.  

Since I have reverted to Islam my biological father's family has treated me like I am a plague.  It never really affected me personally.  I mean, this man is a pedophile who likes little girls and spent 23 years in prison because of it, and they blamed me for that when I was a child.  I was the reason he went to prison.  smh.  I have always been different from them.  They take too much pride in their alcohol and drug use, their racist and government conspiracy theories, and above all their gossip.  So, when I left my ex husband after 10 years of psychological and physical abuse it was no surprise when they supported the abuser and made him the victim.  Actually, I expected no less from them.

Somehow, the same day I found out about my daughter's medication, I let my Aunt Kathy get under my skin.  Her calling me a bad mother bothered me for the first time.  I don't know why.

And then I found out my mother's oldest sister Pat, who has had a history of being the family hypocrite and drama creater, was going behind my back and supporting my ex.  I again, expected no less from her.

So... In one day, I became engulfed in drama.  I gave in.  I spread that disease all over Facebook and became the ultimate hypocrite.  Became exactly what I am against.  Was completely lost in my anger, frustration, and sadness.  For exactly six days.  The drama occupied my mind 24/7.  It affected my prayer, my happiness, my sleep, and my sanity.

I came to realize alhamdulillah, after some thinking, that I was setting a bad example as a Muslim. Is THIS how I want my non-Muslim family and friends to see Islam?   Where was my calm, loving demeanor?  Where was my fearlessness and patience.  Where was my faith in Allah's plan?  

This is the time in my life where I let go of all the pointless drama and the people who create it.  I am going to surround myself with people who make me laugh so hard that I forget about the bad and focus solely on the good.  Focus on being a good Muslim, a good wife, and a good mother.  Life is too short to be unhappy.