Things to know before you marry and Egyptian

You're most likely here because you've recently taken interest or become engaged to an Egyptian man.  I'm actually really glad you are here because this is one step towards making a long lasting marriage.  

See, I've met a lot of girls over the years who have become engaged to and/or married Egyptian men. Most of these women I met knew little to nothing about Egyptian men and Egyptian life before marrying and from what I've seen, many of them have suffered to some degree or another from it.

I must admit, I have a wonderful marriage, alhamdulillah.  After two years we don't really struggle with cultural differences at all.  Mostly because both of us are somewhat understanding of where the other person is coming from.  We took a lot of time to get to know each other before we got married.  We asked a lot of questions, spent a lot of time talking, and paid close attention to one another's habits.  We never expected each other to be something we're not.  Thankfully, I seem to be more Egyptian than American because I already lived a lifestyle very similar to the traditional Egyptian lifestyle. I can only image if we weren't so understanding and patient with one another though, or if we wanted to change one another.

Have you ever heard the old saying, "Don't marry someone you want to change."  It is basically saying, if you can't live with someone the way they are, don't expect them to change or become something they're not.  If you don't love them for who they are don't marry them.  This is true in every relationship, especially those in which you marry someone from outside your own culture.  Don't try to change them, the only thing you can do is try to understand them and change yourself. 

It is my hopes that this guide can help some couples overcome the big hurdles by giving women a little knowledge on Egyptian life and Egyptian men.  I have talked to several other women, currently or previously married to Egyptian men, to try to make a list of some basic tips to help you either decide whether this is a commitment you want to make or to help you overcome some problems you may be faced with.

So let's get started:

1: Don't expect Egyptian men to be like Western men.

• Egyptian men are not like Western men.  What I mean by that is they don't think the same nor do they act the same.  For the most part, Egyptian men are raised to be the decision makers of the family.  While women do have some say, the big decisions will always be made by the men.  I advise any woman considering marriage to an Egyptian speak to her fiance' about who will make the important decisions before hand.  

• Egyptian men don't only like to control the decisions but they also like to be in control of their families.  Be prepared to ask for permission to leave the house, even if it is to go to the supermarket.  You will have to tell them everything.  The reasons for this vary as some like to know for your safety and others just expect you to obey them.  This doesn't go both ways. For the most part, Egyptian men come and go as they please and will not offer you any explanation. Demanding one may be asking for a very heated argument.  Again, I advise speaking to your significant other about this before you get married.  Very bluntly ask if this will be something they will expect of you.

• Egyptian men may try to hide things from you to try to 'protect' you.  For example, you husband may get hurt or detained by the police.  He may not call you if he is in the police station or hospital but will tell you once he comes home.  Basically, his thinking is that he doesn't want to worry you.  This is something a lot of women have mentioned and it is definitely something to discuss with your fiance' and be aware of before getting married.

• Egyptian men are very jealous. Do not expect to have male friends or associate with males without causing real problems in your relationship.  This is unheard of in Egyptian culture.  Women are friends with women and men are friends with men. Before, and after marriage, they do not mingle with the opposite sex. This is mostly religious but expect jealousy if you do, and most likely a heated argument or divorce.

• Traditionally, Egyptian men were raised to care for their families.  While they do have control over their families this is a double-edged sward for them.  For the most part, Egyptian men will work extremely hard for long hours and most likely, if you're living in Egypt, at least two jobs. Do not expect him to be home a lot and expect him to be tired when he does get home. Typically, Egyptian men only get off of work on Friday.  

2: Expect more traditional gender roles.

• Women in Egypt still abide by pretty traditional gender roles.  While they are free to go to college and work, it will depend on your spouse if he will allow it or not.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  He can dictate whether you work or not.  As a woman married to an Egyptian, your first obligation is to care for your family. If you're Muslim, you should already be aware of this duty, if you're not, be prepared for it. This is also true in Egyptian Christian families. Most men will allow you to work if you can also care for the home, have lunch prepared before he gets home from work, and can care for any children you two may have together.  If this is something you have a problem with, I would definitely advise you to reconsider marrying an Egyptian man. This is by far the biggest issue I see with couples.

• For the most part, a man's role in Egypt is to provide financially for his family but don't expect him to be your ATM machine.  This is why so many Egyptian men marry Western women. Many Egyptian women are unappreciative of their husband's work and expect him to give her money even if they can't afford it.  An Egyptian man takes pride in working as much as he can to give his family a decent life but this also can cause him to be away from home a lot. This causes the wife to do most of the raising of any children they may have. Do not expect him to change, even if you move outside of Egypt.  This is something most of their fathers have engraved in them passed down through the generations. 

• Egyptian men do not have women friends, traditionally.  Women do not befriend men in Egypt. Even at large family gatherings, women eat in different rooms than men, mostly so they can sit in their pajamas and remove their head scarves.  Your future spouse may be uncomfortable around your women friends and if you have male friends it can possibly ruin your marriage. Also, be aware that any man who has a lot of women friends is most likely not a good man.  I know this may be hard to understand, but in the Arab world, men who befriend women aren't honest.  They are usually womanizers and don't respect women.  This IS really important whether his is Muslim or Christian.  Please be aware of this now because most of the time it is an addiction they won't get rid of easily.

3: Egyptian In-Laws will invade your life.

• I can honestly say, I love my in-laws with all my heart and soul.  I am very blessed to have them and they are the most wonderful people I know.  One thing that really made my life easier was understanding my in-laws before I got married.  Egyptian families are very close.  Most men will do absolutely anything for his family, and honestly, I'd be afraid if an Egyptian man wouldn't.  This goes both ways.  If you're in a jam they will do anything for you as well, but expect them to want to be involved in your life-a lot.

• Egyptian Aunties.  I've heard horror stories about Egyptian Aunties.  Alhamdulillah, my husband has a wonderful family, but not every woman has experiences similar to mine. Your husband's Aunts and other older women family members may like to gossip about you.  Not because there is anything wrong with you, but let's face it, you are a foreigner and different. Try not to let it bother you.  One way to avoid this is to first be aware that it may happen. Secondly, don't do anything to draw extra attention to yourself publicly. 

• Egyptian mother-in-laws are wonderful.  I want to say that.  I love mama and she is a very close friend of mine.  Like my own blood.  If you get to know your future mother-in-law and understand her you will not go wrong.  Understand that they will be overbearing and especially since you are not Egyptian. They will be worried about the well being of their son, mostly that he won't be eating enough. They will expect you to cook Egyptian food and act in a way traditional to Egyptian women. If this is something you don't want to do, don't try and explain to her, this could result in insulting her or making it worse. I advise you just go along with what she says when she's around. Most Egyptian mothers are very tough and very set in their ways. They will want to help raise your children if you have any with your husband/future husband, because traditionally raising children is done by the entire family.  This is something you will not change if you're living in Egypt, and I don't advise you try to change it.  Just understand whether or not this will be something expected and get to know your mother-in-law before you marry.
• You may have more than one mother-in-law.  Yes, Egyptian men sometimes do have more than one wife.  They should all be treated like your mum and with equal respect. 

• His family will love you because they love him. If you're sick expect a family reunion to check on you.  Expect that to go both ways.  If you're in the hospital they will all show up.  Expect a lot of family get-togethers around the any holiday.

• When you marry an Egyptian you marry his entire family.  It's true.  Never, I mean never, insult them.  Especially his immediate family.  Most likely you will find yourself losing respect from him and possibly divorced.  

• Discuss these things with your future spouse because every family is different. I advise trying to get to know them before you get married. Maybe come for a visit first. Learn Egyptian Arabic and speak to them.  

4:  Other odds and ends

• If you're planning on living in Egypt for any length of time, please read my previous blog post on the Realistic and Harsh Truths: A Guide to Living in Egypt

• Learn to put your foot down.  Don't let them get away with something you don't like.  Tell them it bothers you before it gets to the point where you can't stand it.  

• Talk to your fiance about things before you get married. If something he does bothers you, tell him now.  Don't wait until you're married and expect him to change. 

• Try to be open minded.  You are marrying into a very old, traditional culture.  Try new things and explore what works for you and your family.  

• Please, please try to learn Egyptian Arabic.  I have a few post on here with some beginner words.  One site that really helped me a lot was https://www.memrise.com/.  You can also email me personally and I will attempt to help you as much as possible, inshallah.

• Finally, remember, every relationship is different and so is every individual. Follow your heart but not so much that it clouds your judgement.  If something doesn't feel right, it very well may not be.  

I wish everyone the best of luck in their relationships.  I will be working on other posts regarding more about Egyptian men, everyday life in Egypt, and some tips on surviving the culture shock.  Be sure to check back often.