How to avoid being taken advantage of by Egyptian men.

With the media filled with the story of another Egyptian man who has taken advantage of another Western woman by marrying her for immigration purposes, it seems more and more people are questioning the credibility of all Egyptian men.  Being married to an honest Egyptian man, I have come to see many women question my husband's credibility (without any right to do so) based on the actions of these idiots who are using women. 

It is my hope that before considering marrying an Egyptian, this will at least one woman and possibly help her to understand whether or not he is using her, reassure her if he isn't, and help her to find the courage to leave him if he is.  It is also my hope, that if we can stop these men from using women through the education of unsuspecting victims, the honest Egyptian men can stop being questioned for the actions of others whom they are not even associated with. 

I know that sometimes we let our heart lead and our brain follows somewhere behind.  This should never be the way we approach any relationship.  We need to lead with our brain and make decisions that are smart for us, allowing our hearts to be present but not have any real dictation over what we do.  This is by far the most important advice I can offer to women.  Don't let love blind you.  If something doesn't feel right, if something hurts you, if there is something you just don't feel comfortable with, don't put up with it. 

·         Where and how did you meet him?

o   So many women I have gotten to know or heard of who have been taken advantage of by Egyptian men have met their spouses in Sharm El Sheikh, Hurghada, or the on the internet via social media or online gaming.   

o   In Islam serving alcohol (anytime) and associating with women of the opposite sex outside of marriage is forbidden.  For Egyptian Christians, men also do not associate with women of the opposite sex outside of marriage.  Many of the men working in Sharm and Hurghada are leaving their moral and religious upbringing behind for money.  This should be one of the first signs alerting women of a potential user. 

§  Meeting an Egyptian man in a nightclub should be seen no differently as meeting a Western man in a nightclub.  Most of these men are just looking for women or a hook-up, no different than in Western countries. 

o   Meeting a man online is a gray area and not all of these men are going to be users, but there are a few things to consider:

§  Does he have his friend’s list blocked from you? If he will not share his friend’s list with you I would be extremely cautious and personally, I’d end it there.  Why would you want to marry someone who cannot be open about their friends with you and share that?

§  Is his family on his friend’s list?  If you meet him via social media and he doesn’t have his family as friend’s I would recommend you avoid him as well.  My first fiancé, who was a user, had several different Facebook pages and the one I met him on was only for ‘friends’ and he had a separate one for family.   Why wouldn’t a man want his family to see what he is posting and the comments people are responding?  Embarrassed or ashamed of something?

§  Does he have a lot of women friends?  This should be another alarming thing.  Stay away from men with women friends who are not his family.  He is a womanizer and possibly trying to have relationships with many women.  If you can’t see his friend’s list, check his picture comments.  Comments will show you his friend’s as well.  Are most of them from women?  These men should be avoided as it is never a good man who has more women friends than men in Egypt.

§  Ask him to give you access to his Facebook page.   I know it might sound like an invasion of privacy but explain to him that you want to avoid having secrets as they break apart a relationship.  How he reacts to your response can be a clear indicator of whether he is trustworthy or not.

·         The women they target:

o   Many men target vulnerable women.  I’m sure people have heard stories about the much older women, but that isn’t the entire truth.  I have known women who are the same age as the Egyptian man being taken advantage of.  The thing is, these men target vulnerable women.  Overweight women, women with a lower self-esteem, those who are recently divorced, and women who travel alone.  Some men also target new Muslim revert women because they are less knowledgeable in cultural and religious practices.

§   If it seems like they are out of your league, almost unbelievable that they would be attracted to you, which should be something to concern yourself with.  Either you have self-esteem issues that are making you a possible target or they may in fact be targeting you because you are out of their league.  I’m not trying to be rude or harsh, but it is something to be aware of.

§  One way to avoid becoming a target is by not telling them a lot of personal information right away.  Do not let them think you are vulnerable.  Keep details about your family and personal life private until you have a better understanding of their intentions.  Do not tell a man everything about you on the first date or conversation.

§  On another note, many Egyptian men are attracted to plus sized girls.  I do not want this to be taken the wrong way and should be used in addition to other signs.  All men have different tastes, but the vulnerability is something to be aware of.

o   How long did it take him to ‘fall in love’ with you?  Again, this varies especially because even honest Egyptian men often fall in love quickly, especially being they have very little contact with women outside their immediate family.  If you meet a man in a nightclub, for instance, and before the end of the night he is telling you he loves you it should be another instance where you should run like hell.  Or if you meet a guy on the internet who is loving you before the end of the first hour… 

·         The issue of Money…

o   As I have stated in a previous blog post, Arab men are very proud and do not ask for financial help especially from a woman.  If a man is asking you for gifts, money, or help with his immigration fees please beware.  Here are a few tips to help you determine whether or not he may be a potential financial user:

§  Does he ask you to send him money?  Seriously ladies, avoid these men like the plague.  No honest Egyptian man will ever ask a woman for money.  They were raised with more pride than that. 

§  If he wants you to travel to meet him, suggest that he pays for a portion of your trip.  If he really wants to see you he would be more than willing to pay some of your trip.  Even if it is for the hotel expense.  Egyptian men are raised to take care of their wife, if he loves you, this will be something he WANTS to do.

§  Does he send you gifts or is he asking you to send him gifts?  Again, this goes back to the idea that an Egyptian man will want to take care of his wife.  In traditional Egyptian culture, a man will buy his fiancé gifts before marriage not the other way around.   I’m not saying you can’t send him gifts, but if he is asking for them I’d be suspicious.

§  Does he work?  Yeah, even with the poor economy in Egypt an honest man will find some kind of work.  Even college students work, if he doesn’t work find out why.  Take this into consideration.

·         Other details to watch out for:

o   In most cases, the family will not be in on the con.  While a few family member may be, most likely someone won’t be.  Ask to meet his family before you become serious.  If he is embarrassed to take you, or reluctant this should be alarming.

o   Make him meet your family before you’re married and do not take no for an answer.  This is a traditional requirement for marriage in Egypt and should never be avoided.  Any man trying to avoid would make me very suspicious.  If it upset him, just imagine how upset you’ll be if it turns out he is using you!

o   He should put your feelings first.  If he is overly concerned with himself, often tells you he’s becoming upset with you, tells you this or that will make him angry-please avoid him.  This is just a manipulation technique used by a lot of these men to guilt you into doing what they want.

o   Suggest living in Egypt.  I’m not saying you have to, but suggest it and stick to your suggestion until after your marriage and then change your mind if you want to go home.   A man who isn’t using you for immigration won’t mind living in Egypt at all, a man who is will insist on leaving.   

o   Insist on meeting his entire family before getting married, do not get married without meeting them.  I mean his immediate family, his grandparents, his aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Traditionally, you should meet his immediate family first privately and after they give you their blessings to be married, ask to meet his extended family.

o   Having sex before marriage is something that no Egyptian man (Christian or Muslim) with any moral upbringing will do if he respects himself, you, or his family.  I know this may be hard to understand as a westerner, but this is how men are raised in Egypt and is still something highly regarded. Besides, it is ILLEGAL for an Egyptian man to have sex outside of marriage. SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE (ADULTERY) IS ILLEGAL FOR ANYONE IN EGYPT (CHRISTIANS, MUSLIMS, RESIDENTS, AND FOREIGNERS), AND EVEN FOREIGNERS CAN BE ARRESTED. 

o   If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Follow your brain and forget about your heart or you may end up with a broken heart.

Obviously there are always other things that could suggest that they are using you.  If it seems suspicious, please proceed with caution.  As well as things I may not have mentioned, it is also fair to say that not every Egyptian man is out for a visa or money.  My husband and I have been happily married for two years, living in Egypt.  I know many women who have successful marriages with Egyptian men, living in Egypt and in the West.  Not every man who immigrates because of marriage is using a woman.  Please understand that and be aware that your fiancé may just be a good man who truly loves you.

As with any situation, don’t let love blind you.  I would hate to see any woman get hurt and advise you take it extremely slow with any man you become involved with. I wish you and your fiancé the best of luck.