Muslim Revert Survival Skills: Part 3 "The big M"

As Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh. Most of us have heard the Hadith, ‘Allah's Messenger (peace be upon him) said, "When a man marries he has fulfilled half of the deen; so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half,"’ (At-Tirmidhi Hadith 3096 Narrated by Anas ibn Malik).  This has a lot of women believing that as soon as they become Muslim they need to jump right on the marriage train.  This is not the case and can ultimately cause only pain and hardship for someone new to Islam if approached too quickly.  

1.      Avoid Marriage!  Yes, you read correctly.  This is especially for women.  You should avoid marriage for at least a year, possibly two, until you have a firm understanding of Islam and a firm place in the community.  Don’t worry; there will still be plenty of Muslim men out there for you.  The problem with marrying right away is that there are Muslim men who particularly prey on new Muslim women in order to shape them into whatever they want by twisting Islam to their own personal benefit.  By shaping a woman to be what he wants her to be. 

      Also, understand that if you are new to Islam and getting married to a Muslim man who is not within your own culture there will be cultural differences you will have to learn and adjust to while you are learning and adjusting to life as an individual new to Islam.  This can make life very stressful; damage your marriage, and your belief in Islam.  

      I have heard many the story of women who either become Muslim for a man or find a man shortly after becoming Muslim. The man may become abusive, may cheat on her, or commit a range of sins.  Or simply they cannot handle the cultural differences between them.  They divorce and the woman ultimately leaves Islam blaming Islam for their marital problems.  

      Now I must note that not all circumstances are the same, not all Muslim men want to marry a woman new to Islam to take advantage of her and her ignorance.  There are men who want to marry women new to Islam because ultimately they have MORE knowledge in Islam and practice Islam more than many of the girls in their native countries. Some men marry a woman simply because he may love her.  You can't judge everyone by the actions of a few.

     That being said, it is still safe to say that holding off on finding a spouse for the first year or so of being Muslim will ultimately be beneficial.  Spend more time with God, form a strong bond with Him before forming a relationship with anyone else. 

Muslim Revert Survival Skills: Part 2 Learn from appropriate places and people!

In the last post we talked about the difficulty an individual who is new to Islam may have when trying to learn everything at once.  I am thankful that early on I spoke to an Imam who told me very point blank not to try and change everything at once.  This is something that I believed really helped me out. 

            Another thing that helped me out was realizing early on that other individuals who were relatively new to Islam and even those who have been Muslim their entire life don’t know everything about Islam.  Yes, this is very true.  People’s beliefs are influenced by a lot of things, things they may not even realize.  Beliefs are influenced by one’s environment, culture, traditions, social status, and upbringing to name a few.  This means that there are a lot of different ideas about Islam.  This can be very confusing, especially if you don’t know where to find the answers. So, that brings us to part two of this series:

Image from: halalhumor.tumblr.com

1.      Learn from appropriate places and people!  I think this is also a very important message. One of my favorite sayings is, “Islam is perfect but Muslims are not.”  I think this is an important lesson for anyone new to Islam.  I suggest NOT asking other Muslims for advice unless he or she is a knowledgeable scholar. There are different schools of thought (fiqh) in Islam.  In Sunni Islam there are Wahabis, Salafis, Malikis, Hanafis and Shafi’is.  While they all believe in the same basic principles they do differ on subjects such as inheritance, marriage, and the exact steps in prayer.  There are also Sufis and Shias which have different beliefs than Sunnis. 

This can all be quite confusing for the individual new to Islam.  One person may tell you to pray one way while another will bicker and say they are wrong and tell you to pray another way.  Someone may say you have to have a wali at your wedding while others may say you don’t.  How do you know which way is correct?  This is why I suggest going to a sheikh, Imam, or Islamic scholar for advice. 

The truth is, even people born into Islam don’t know everything.  I once heard a story about one of my husband’s friends who said if you touch a dog you have to bathe 7 times, and one of them with sand.  This is absolutely ridiculous and completely false, but he insisted it was the right way.

There are also a lot of books on Islam, many of which you can get for free.  Islamic Books for Free is a website that offers a wide variety of free publications on Islam, on various topics.  There is also a chat section where a scholar attempts to answer your questions.  One last thing on this topic… Please, please, do not rely on Google to answer your questions about Islam.  You’re better talking to other Muslims than asking Google religious advice.

Muslim Revert Survival Skills: Part 1 Take it Slow

First of all, this word 'revert' is a pain in the rump.  In my opinion, it is a separatist word, making it as if new Muslims are different somehow to those who were born and raised in Islam.  I have never liked being called a 'revert' or a 'new Muslim' because it seemed somehow demeaning by those who said it.  Like my status in Islam was somehow less significant than those who were born into Islam. Like I was a plague or disease to be avoided, like I would somehow cause problems in the Ummah or steal away all the good Muslim men.

I have been a Muslim for five years now, give or take a few months.  Though I feel like I have been a Muslim my entire life.  My beliefs have never once changed, instead, I was amazed to find that Islam matched my beliefs completely.

When I took shahada I felt a weight lifted off my soul, I found that I had no one to please but God.  I found my own way and saw that there were difficult roads ahead.   The truth is, for a person who converts to Islam the road is not easy at first, especially for those growing up in Western Culture.  It is no secret that Western Culture often clashes with the obligations sent down in Hadith and Quran. Adjusting to life as a Muslim takes time, patience, and a lot of prayer.

I am hoping that this guide will help alleviate some of the pressure on those who are new to Islam, help them to have the strength to continue on, and serve as map along those bumpy roads. Inshallah.

1. Take it slow!  I cannot stress this enough.  Becoming a Muslim is much different than a Catholic becoming a Lutheran.  It involves an entire life-style change.  But Islam is not supposed to be difficult.  Even in Quran, God sent down messages in stages to encourage change slowly.  An excellent example of this is the prohibition of alcohol.  In the time of the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ people drank a lot of alcohol.  As we know, alcohol is now prohibited by Muslims - so did God command people just give it up all at once?  No, he sent down three different messages in stages to command people to give up alcohol.  The purpose, I would imagine, was to avoid making it too difficult on people that they decided to leave Islam. I have seen this happen to enough people in five years.  They jump in head first, trying to go from newborn Muslim to sheikh (or sheikha) in a day.  The result is people become burned out, stressed, and lose interest in Islam.  They find conflicts, bumps in the road, and even u-turns. It's like they've literally tried to cram an entire lifetime of learning into a tiny period of time. This is dangerous for the psyche.  My advice? Take your time and take it one step at a time. If you are a woman, start by dressing more modestly.  You don't have to jump strait into hijab and abaya.  Take your time to adjust yourself and when you're comfortable with hijab, that's when it will be easiest for you to wear it - and that time is different for everyone.  Remember, you should be doing this to please God and no one else. Do your best to keep halal, that's what matters.  That you're trying.  It is between you and God. 

Cloth diapering in Egypt

As an experienced mother of three, I can honestly say I despise disposable diapers.  All three of my daughters experienced allergic reactions to disposable diapers and we could only use generic brands which did not withstand leaks. Disposable diapers are one of the things parents will spend thousands of dollars on, money that is basically just thrown away.  I was determined that if I ever had another child I would never use disposable diapers again.

Many parents have chosen to cloth diaper their children for various reasons; whether those be allergy, contribution to the ever growing landfill, the chemicals in diapers, the waste of money... Whatever the reason, it is completely a personal choice and one I completely respect.

One of the things I have looked into since Wael and I started trying to have a baby (the natural way) and now even more so since we're hoping to adopt, is the availability of quality cloth diapers in Egypt.  Most cloth diaper users in Egypt are still using diapers similar to pre-folds (simple cloth and pin together diapers).  These need plastic diaper covers as they are not very absorbent and are not the best for traveling.  They are the cheapest, simple to make, simple to use, and the most available in Egypt.  A mother can make her own prefolds easily out of old t-shirts, thick cotton fabric, and even old towels and burp clothes.

Prefold Diapers come in Several Sizes

While I am ok with using prefolds at home when the baby is awake or as a diaper insert,  I prefer to use all-in-one or pocket diapers when baby is sleeping or when we leave the apartment.  All-in-one diapers are just that.  An absorbent inner layer with a protective outer layer (waterproof made of PUL fabric).   Pocket diapers are very similar except they have a pocket where you stuff an insert (or inserts) which determines your absorbency level. These can be a bit messy because certain brands and styles of pocket diapers require you 'unstuff' them before washing (ewwww!).

My favorite pocket diapers that I have read about would be by bumgenius (link here for US customers: http://www.bumgenius.com).  They have both all-in-one and pocket diapers. Unfortunately they do not ship internationally and are only available in select international locations. While searching their available list of international retailers I noticed a retailer in UAE but that was the closest location to Egypt and the cost of shipping would be outrageous.

Pocket Diaper

A simple Google searched brought up promising results.  I searched for "cloth nappies Egypt" and the top result was for an online retailer in Hurghada called Kuffula.  They have the bumgenius 4.0 pocket diapers for 125 ج  which is about $14.  They also have all in 1 diapers from bumgenius, the bumgenius organic for 150 ج as well as other all in ones from Itty Bitty D'lish, Imse Vimse, and Eco bum.  Taking into consideration that one disposable diaper in Egypt costs between 2-5 ج these are very descent prices.

You can visit the Kuffula website here: http://kaffula.com/

After about a week of searching in English and Arabic this is the only site I have found and the only reference to cloth diapers or cloth nappies in Egypt.  I am sure there might be a shop or two in bigger cities such as Cairo or Alexandria but I am not familiar with any and neither are any of the people I have spoken to.  If any of you mommies in Egypt are aware of any, please feel free to leave me the name of the shop (with location and phone number if possible) in the comments.

Egyptian pickled eggplant (pickled aubergine).

Growing up in Wisconsin we had a lot of pickled foods.  Pickled herring, pickled eggs, pickled beets, and many varieties of cucumber pickles were common in my Grandmother's house.  For the longest time, I genuinely thought that pickling was a cold climate tradition used to preserve food during the cold winter months.  While that may be the purpose of pickling in these areas, I have learned that pickling can be dated back to the Ancient Egyptians and was not only used for preserving food but also for improving the taste of food over time.

While living in Egypt I have tasted a lot of different pickled vegetables.  Available at almost every supermarket is your variety of pickled vegetables with includes carrots, cauliflower, banana peppers, and rutabagas.  There are pickled onions, pickled lemons (which I personally do not care for), pickled radishes in beet juice, pickled green beans...  All with unique flavors and textures but most are extremely delicious.

My favorite pickled vegetable would have to be eggplant/aubergine (bitingaen بتنجان) which Wael's mother makes from scratch at home.  They are small, finger sized eggplants with dark purple skin. They are boiled, stuffed, and then marinated for about a day.  The taste is amazing and so unique.

I have looked for the variety of eggplant they use for this, and have found what I believe is the variety they grow for it, known as Little Fingers in the United States.  They look like a hybrid between the ordinary fat tear shaped eggplant and the long and thin Japanese variety.  If you're interested in planting this variety in your garden, I recommend purchasing the seeds from Baker Creek Heirloom Seeds in Missouri (http://www.rareseeds.com/little-fingers-eggplant/).

Pickling eggplant, from my experience, takes patience and a little bit of luck especially if you're trying to match a taste to a recipe that someone just makes up as they go along.  My mother-in-law has never used a written recipe and much like a lot of my recipes, estimates how much of what she uses.  For example, when explaining the marinade, she told me to add vinegar but not so much that it will make the eggplant mushy.  Very helpful, but maybe not to someone who has never pickled them before... So, it has taken me a bit of experimenting to figure out the recipe she uses.

Pickling eggplant isn't like making ordinary pickles in the idea that you're not exactly soaking the eggplant for long periods of time, fully submerged in a brine of some sort.  Pickling eggplant is more like stuffing and then marinating eggplant for a short time in order to achieve the perfect mixture of tastes.

I guess, without further delay, here is the recipe for this wonderful appetizer.

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 kg little finger or Japanese eggplant (aubergine)
• 8 cloves of garlic
• 1 tablespoon cumin
• 1 teaspoon chili powder
• 2 tablespoons salt
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1/2 cup vinegar
• 1 cup of water
• 3 key limes
• 3 tablespoons of salt

DIRECTIONS:

1. Fill a large stock put with water and heat to boiling.  Add eggplant and cover.  Boil for 5 minutes.  Remove from water and allow to cool to room temperature.
2. Once cool, remove stems and score each eggplant down the center the long way.
3. In a mortar and pestle, crush garlic to remove skin.  Then put garlic back in and add cumin, chili powder, 1 teaspoon olive oil, and 2 teaspoons of salt.  Pound until garlic is well broken and all ingredients are well blended.
4. Take a small amount of the spice mixture on your finger and run inside the scored area of the eggplant.  Make sure not to use too much so you have enough for each one.  Repeat until each is filled.
5. Place in a shallow bowl or baking dish, preferably in a single layer. 
6. In a separate bowl, combine vinegar, remaining olive oil, juice of limes (make sure to keep the limes after) salt, and water. Whisk together until well mixed and salt is dissolved.
7. Add lime skins in bowl or dish with eggplants. Pour marinade over the mixture.
8. Refrigerate and allow to sit for 24 hours before eating.  Do not exceed 36 hours in marinade or they could begin to disintegrate. 
9. Remove from marinade and store in air tight container in refrigerator.  To avoid drying out, you can drizzle them with a little olive oil mixed with lime juice.
10. Serve chilled or at room temperature.

How Some Muslims Parents are Contributing to Terrorism

How Muslims Parents are Contributing to Terrorism

     As terrorism dominates the world news many non-Muslims are blaming ordinary everyday Muslims, those who are not extremists, for the actions of these terrorists.  So many Muslims are quick to say, "It's not my fault. Islam doesn't promote terrorism."  While Islam doesn't promote terrorism, the other statement may only be partly true.

    It is no secret that today parenting is much different than it used to be.  More women are working outside the home, men are working longer hours, and many parents are more concerned with their 'me time' than family time.

   When a woman works 8+ hours a day and then comes home to do her house chores and care for her children she becomes drained very quickly, and societies around the world both in the Middle East and America, the children often suffer.  Women give in to the children's desires quickly to avoid a fuss, are trying to give them more freedom, allow them unrestricted access to the internet, and are often just too tired or busy to pay close attention to their children's' lives.

    Fathers, in the Middle East and around the world are working 1-2 jobs for up to 18 hours a day.  Often physical labor or mentally tiring, they come home sleep deprived and lacking patience to deal with their children. They go out and do things with friends to unwind and de-stress from the week of work.

     Where does this leave children?  How many people do you know that know every place their child goes and every person they associate with?  How many parents now days have time to sit and talk to their children about their emotions and things they are hearing on the news?  How many children have smart phones before they even get to highschool and unrestricted access to the internet?

    I can tell you that right now, if I asked 100 Egyptian women with teenage boys where their sons are they would simply answer, "Out with friends."  They wouldn't know exactly where or even the names of all their friends.  Something parents even 10 years ago paid a lot of attention to.  Now they're either just too tired, self absorbed, or busy to know what's going on.

   For teenage boys, they may experience hate or discrimination, in the Middle East they experience war and terrorism themselves.  Who is making sure they know how to cope with these things?  For many of the boys today they are learning to cope with it from their friends, who may be just as confused or even more so.  This is where a 'cleric' or religious fanatic can step in and try to help the boys learn how to deal with their emotions by planting hate and extremist ideologies.

    A man in Islam carries the sins of his minor children and his wife.  As the manager of his family, he should guide his sons and daughters, especially in this time of uncertainty, violence, and hate.  A woman in Islam is the keeper of her house.  She is responsible for carrying for her family.  This isn't saying she can't work outside her home, but if her children are suffering because of it, then she is obviously not fulfilling her duty.

   I'm not saying men and women can't work, but as Muslims it is our OBLIGATION to raise good Muslim children; teaching them right from wrong, monitoring their behavior and friends, and knowing what they are doing online.  It is not an invasion of their privacy, it is protecting them from themselves and the extremists who are looking to exploit scared, lonely, hurting children.

    Yes I know there are a lot of good parents out there, and I'm not trying to attack parent in particular but please, understand how much of an urgent issue this is.  It can happen to any child of any cultural background and any part of Islam; salafi, shia, wahabi, liberal... If you don't talk to your kids about these things who will?

    So parents, I beg you, for our Ummah... Take more time to pay attention to your children.  Know their friends and the families of their friends, know where they are going, what they are reading, what they are watching on Facebook and Youtube.  Talk to them about important issues and if they seem reluctant to talk, don't become angry with them, be kind and reassure them that they can talk to you and come to you with any feelings or concerns.

    It's time to take back our Ummah from the savage beasts who are praying on our children.  It's time to stand up to terrorism not only by saying we condemn their actions, but by launching an offensive against them: keeping our children safe and teaching them that terrorism is clearly haram.

Eid: Starting your own family traditions

Eid al fitr and Eid al Ahda are two of the major holidays in Islam.  Eid al fitr celebrates the breaking of the fast, the end of the Ramadan month.  Eid al Adha on the other hand is the feast of the sacrifice which celebrates when God commanded Ibrahim to sacrifice his son Ishmael as a sign of obedience to God (but provided him a sheep to sacrifice instead).

From what I have seen, a lot of new Muslims become confused when it comes to the traditions of these two holidays, and a lot of things in Islam, believing that they have to follow Arab tradition in order to enjoy the experience.  This is not true.  While there are certain aspects that are required in both holidays, there are no mandatory ways in which someone has to experience the holidays according to Islam.  What I mean is, you do not have to follow Arabian traditions of what to wear, eat, and how to celebrate with your family. 

Around the world, Eid is a great celebration, especially aimed towards children.  It is celebrated differently in different countries and cultures.  People eat different foods, attend festivals, and even make their own family traditions.

One way to keep children connected in Eid is by starting your own family traditions that they will feel are special and will enjoy.  For instance, I know that my daughters would not enjoy a breakfast of foul and taameya ( Egyptian stewed beans and falafel) and would more than likely dread this tradition.  A traditional meal for Eid al fitr in Egypt is fasekh (rotten or fermented fish - which smells terrible in my opinion), this is another thing my children would dread.  So as a parent, why would I follow traditions that my children can't relate to and would only cause them to dread Eid?  

Each family is unique.  It is important, regardless of your cultural background, to make these holidays enjoyable for your children and family by creating traditions for yourselves.  While we will always have traditional Eid cookies in our house, we also will always have our traditional build your own waffle buffet.  We will not be fermented fish, but will have a family bbq with a wide variety of dishes that we know our family loves.  

Traditions help keep families together and make a bonding atmosphere that makes children feel safe, welcome, and part of something greater.  They are carried on by generations to come if they are made to be an important value in your family.

What kind of traditions do your families have for Eid?  

Fasolia: Egyptian Green Bean and Tomato Stew

Image from food.com 

Most of you know already that I am a big fan of Egyptian stews, and especially ones which give me some new options with vegetables.  I love vegetables, all of them, and I'm always looking for new ideas.

Some time ago my husband and I went to his mother's for lunch and she made us this wonderful stew called fasolia.  Fasolia is basically basilla but with green beans (fasolia). I fell in love with the taste and texture immediately but hadn't decided to make my own until a few days ago.

Green beans are not native to Egypt, and I imagine were imported from India long ago.  I'm also not too sure on when Egyptians started cooking fasolia but I imagine it could have been during the French occupation, so sorry, no history lesson today.

Fasolia takes a lot of the techniques I have already discussed and just adds a different ingredient, green beans. So without further a do:


FASOLIA RECIPE:

*see notes below

INGREDIENTS:

• 2 tbsp ghee or sunflower oil
• 1 kg (1/2 lb) fresh green beans *
• Ta'leyah (recipe here)
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 kg stew beef (1/2 lb) *
• 1 medium red onion
• 2 large roma tomatoes
• 2 cups tomato paste *
• 3 cup beef broth *
• juice of 1 small lemon
• salt and pepper to taste

DIRECTIONS:

1. Begin by washing and cutting your green beans.  You want to cut them to be about 2.5 cm (1 inch) in length.  Place them aside in a bowl.
2. Prepare ta'leyah according to the instruction here but also add your cumin to the mixture.
3. Chop onion, I prefer pieces a little bit larger than diced onions, but it is up to your own preference.  I think the larger onions help the texture.
4. In a stock pot add ghee or oil and heat over low.  Add onions and stir until translucent.  Add in stew beef a little bit at a time until all sides are browned.  
5. Add beef broth and simmer until the meat is tender, about an hour to an hour and a half.
6. Dice tomato and add to pot (once it is tender) along with tomato paste and green beans.
7. Bring to a boil and add ta'leyah
8. Add lemon juice and salt and pepper to taste.
9. Cover and simmer for about another 45 minutes until beans are tender*
10. Serve hot with Egyptian Rice (recipe here) 

NOTES:

I prefer using fresh beans but you can also use frozen, just be sure to adjust the final cooking time to about 20 minutes as frozen beans will become tender faster.  Avoid using canned green beans as they may turn to mush.

You can omit the meat is you like, or substitute for lamb.  It's ultimately your choice.  If you prefer, you can also omit the beef stock as well.  It will affect the flavor some, but if you don't like meat, I'm sure you won't mind. 

I personally do not ever use premade tomato sauce and always make mine fresh when I make anything here.  I just take and dice 6 large roma tomatoes and put in a blender with about 1/2 cup of water and puree.  This doesn't really make much a difference in cooking time if you add it right away when the meat is simmering to tender.  

If you prefer to use beef bouillon cubes just use one cube and 3 cups of water. 

Sahlab... A wonderful way to cozy up in cold weather.

If you're like me, a cold drink on a warm day can change everything.  With this year's rare cold winter here in Egypt I set out to find that perfect comfort drink and here it is... Sahlab (سحلب)

Sahlab is a creamy drink traditionally made from the tubers of the orchid orchis mascula. Sahlab in its true form is becoming increasingly rare as the wild orchid is becoming rarer.  In traditional methods, sahlab was made by boiling the tubers of the orchid, drying them, and then grinding them into a starch. Sahlab was then prepared into a drink much similar to what is enjoyed across the world today.


 Sahlab was once used as an aphrodisiac and the tubers of the orchid are known to have medicinal properties that help relieve stress, soothe indigestion, and relieve headaches. The drink is not particularly an Egyptian drink, though it's true origin is unknown.  It is popular throughout the Middle East, Balkan, and Mediterranean areas.

Most of the sahlab drink mixes you will find today will contain very little if any actual orchid tuber, so if you're concerned about the rarity of this flower you needn't be as you can avoid using the pure natural product.  I have used both 100% natural pure sahlab (from Greece) and the artificial drink mix (Dreem Sahlab) and I have noted only a slight difference in taste and no difference in the consistency.
Both the artificial and natural products can be found online and often at your Middle Eastern supermarkets.

Sahlab is fairly easy to prepare using either the traditional or prepackaged method.  I do recommend that before trying either method that you purchase a milk pot, which is a pot used for boiling milk as sahlab does get thick and sticky.

When preparing artificial sahlab simply follow the directions on the package.  I can not stress enough, though, not to let your milk heat too quickly as you will end up scorching it.  Also, be sure to whisk or stir continuously.  Below you will find the recipe for natural, traditional sahlab.

Sahlab
Serving Size: 2
Cook time: 5-8 minutes


INGREDIENTS:

• 2 1/2 cups of full cream (whole) milk
• 1/2 tsp vanilla powder
• 3 1/2 tbsp pure finely ground sahlab
• 1 tbsp corn starch
• 1 tsp toasted sesame seeds
• 1 1/2 tbsp shredded coconut
• 2 tsp sugar
• 1 tbsp pistachio or cashews (optional)
• cinnamon to dust (also optional-I personally don't like the taste)

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Add milk, vanilla, sahlab, corn starch, sesame seeds, and 1/2 tbsp of shredded coconut. to milk pan and place over low heat.  Heat until hot, but remember DO NOT BOIL
2. Stir with whisk continuously.
3. Make sure to whisk out any lumps before the milk begins to heat
4.  Continue to whisk until it thickens to desired consistency.  This will be just before the boiling point. 
5. Pour into mugs and top with shredded coconut and nuts.
6. Enjoy hot.

Tips: be sure not to cook this too quickly and whisk continuously!


  

Product Review: Schwarzkoph Gliss Hair Repair for Covered Hair

Covered women experience their own set of issues when it comes to their hair.  While covering your hair will protect it from damaging UV rays and pollution many people don't talk about what damage it does to your hair and scalp as well.

Many women who wear hijab have complained about hair loss, split ends, and oily dull hair.   Having your hair pulled back in a tight bun compressed under fabric for hours a day can really take a toll on it's health.  Over the past three years my hair has begun to become less and less healthy and seems duller than ever.  I accepted the fact that I was losing more and more hair every time I brushed it and that I would ultimately be trimming it shorter and more often than I'd like to keep the split ends under control.  

To be honest, I have never seen products that are particularly aimed at repairing covered hair so I was surprised to find a shampoo and conditioner which claims to repair damage caused by covering your hair. 

Schwarzkopf Gliss Hair Repair For Covered Hair is available at many pharmacies throughout Egypt though I purchased it cheaper at Metro Supermarket in Port Said.  I paid 35 EGP each for the shampoo and conditioner.  In the US and Europe it can be purchased through Amazon for about $8.00 USD each.  

My first impression of the shampoo was it's smell.  I have used Schwarzkopf products before and always have loved the smell and this is no different.  It has a floral, yet sophisticated salon smell. The bottles provide an adequate amount of product for the price as well as they were full up to the neck of the opening.  Both the shampoo and conditioner are thicker than most shampoos, appearing as though they have not been watered down to save money.

I want to express that I did follow the directions on the bottle except for one fact; whenever I condition my hair I allow the conditioner to soak for about 3-5 minutes before rinsing.  I'm not sure if this made any difference in the results or not, but I want everyone to be aware.

Ok... So...

Day 1:  No real change in hair other than it smelled nice and brushed out easier than normal.  I still experienced a handful of hair-loss after brushing.

Day 2: After my hair air dried I noticed it seemed slightly more vibrant.  The color was slightly brighter and it felt softer.

Day 5: Obvious difference in hair loss.  After brushing only lost about half as much hair as normal.  Hair was much more vibrant.

Day 8:  Very little hair loss and my hair was showing signs of volume-something I haven't experienced in almost 3 years.

Day 10: I lost 5 strands of hair today!!!  I am actually so happy with my hair I have begun leaving it down much of the day.  I have noticeably less breakage and my hair is bright and full of volume.

The downfall I noticed:

I have begun developing signs of dandruff near my bangs which I have never experienced in my life. I am sure it is attributed to the shampoo t as I have never had it before.  I will try washing once or twice a week with a dandruff shampoo and see if that makes any difference.

My overall thought on the product:

It seems to verify its claims to repair hair damaged by wearing headscarf.  I have experienced noticeably less hair loss, breakage, and my hair is very vibrant with a lot of volume. If it does continue to cause dandruff I will discontinue using it though.

I personally recommend anyone suffering from hair loss, breakage, limp, dull hair due to wearing hijab give it a try.  

How to avoid being taken advantage of by Egyptian men.

With the media filled with the story of another Egyptian man who has taken advantage of another Western woman by marrying her for immigration purposes, it seems more and more people are questioning the credibility of all Egyptian men.  Being married to an honest Egyptian man, I have come to see many women question my husband's credibility (without any right to do so) based on the actions of these idiots who are using women. 

It is my hope that before considering marrying an Egyptian, this will at least one woman and possibly help her to understand whether or not he is using her, reassure her if he isn't, and help her to find the courage to leave him if he is.  It is also my hope, that if we can stop these men from using women through the education of unsuspecting victims, the honest Egyptian men can stop being questioned for the actions of others whom they are not even associated with. 

I know that sometimes we let our heart lead and our brain follows somewhere behind.  This should never be the way we approach any relationship.  We need to lead with our brain and make decisions that are smart for us, allowing our hearts to be present but not have any real dictation over what we do.  This is by far the most important advice I can offer to women.  Don't let love blind you.  If something doesn't feel right, if something hurts you, if there is something you just don't feel comfortable with, don't put up with it. 

·         Where and how did you meet him?

o   So many women I have gotten to know or heard of who have been taken advantage of by Egyptian men have met their spouses in Sharm El Sheikh, Hurghada, or the on the internet via social media or online gaming.   

o   In Islam serving alcohol (anytime) and associating with women of the opposite sex outside of marriage is forbidden.  For Egyptian Christians, men also do not associate with women of the opposite sex outside of marriage.  Many of the men working in Sharm and Hurghada are leaving their moral and religious upbringing behind for money.  This should be one of the first signs alerting women of a potential user. 

§  Meeting an Egyptian man in a nightclub should be seen no differently as meeting a Western man in a nightclub.  Most of these men are just looking for women or a hook-up, no different than in Western countries. 

o   Meeting a man online is a gray area and not all of these men are going to be users, but there are a few things to consider:

§  Does he have his friend’s list blocked from you? If he will not share his friend’s list with you I would be extremely cautious and personally, I’d end it there.  Why would you want to marry someone who cannot be open about their friends with you and share that?

§  Is his family on his friend’s list?  If you meet him via social media and he doesn’t have his family as friend’s I would recommend you avoid him as well.  My first fiancé, who was a user, had several different Facebook pages and the one I met him on was only for ‘friends’ and he had a separate one for family.   Why wouldn’t a man want his family to see what he is posting and the comments people are responding?  Embarrassed or ashamed of something?

§  Does he have a lot of women friends?  This should be another alarming thing.  Stay away from men with women friends who are not his family.  He is a womanizer and possibly trying to have relationships with many women.  If you can’t see his friend’s list, check his picture comments.  Comments will show you his friend’s as well.  Are most of them from women?  These men should be avoided as it is never a good man who has more women friends than men in Egypt.

§  Ask him to give you access to his Facebook page.   I know it might sound like an invasion of privacy but explain to him that you want to avoid having secrets as they break apart a relationship.  How he reacts to your response can be a clear indicator of whether he is trustworthy or not.

·         The women they target:

o   Many men target vulnerable women.  I’m sure people have heard stories about the much older women, but that isn’t the entire truth.  I have known women who are the same age as the Egyptian man being taken advantage of.  The thing is, these men target vulnerable women.  Overweight women, women with a lower self-esteem, those who are recently divorced, and women who travel alone.  Some men also target new Muslim revert women because they are less knowledgeable in cultural and religious practices.

§   If it seems like they are out of your league, almost unbelievable that they would be attracted to you, which should be something to concern yourself with.  Either you have self-esteem issues that are making you a possible target or they may in fact be targeting you because you are out of their league.  I’m not trying to be rude or harsh, but it is something to be aware of.

§  One way to avoid becoming a target is by not telling them a lot of personal information right away.  Do not let them think you are vulnerable.  Keep details about your family and personal life private until you have a better understanding of their intentions.  Do not tell a man everything about you on the first date or conversation.

§  On another note, many Egyptian men are attracted to plus sized girls.  I do not want this to be taken the wrong way and should be used in addition to other signs.  All men have different tastes, but the vulnerability is something to be aware of.

o   How long did it take him to ‘fall in love’ with you?  Again, this varies especially because even honest Egyptian men often fall in love quickly, especially being they have very little contact with women outside their immediate family.  If you meet a man in a nightclub, for instance, and before the end of the night he is telling you he loves you it should be another instance where you should run like hell.  Or if you meet a guy on the internet who is loving you before the end of the first hour… 

·         The issue of Money…

o   As I have stated in a previous blog post, Arab men are very proud and do not ask for financial help especially from a woman.  If a man is asking you for gifts, money, or help with his immigration fees please beware.  Here are a few tips to help you determine whether or not he may be a potential financial user:

§  Does he ask you to send him money?  Seriously ladies, avoid these men like the plague.  No honest Egyptian man will ever ask a woman for money.  They were raised with more pride than that. 

§  If he wants you to travel to meet him, suggest that he pays for a portion of your trip.  If he really wants to see you he would be more than willing to pay some of your trip.  Even if it is for the hotel expense.  Egyptian men are raised to take care of their wife, if he loves you, this will be something he WANTS to do.

§  Does he send you gifts or is he asking you to send him gifts?  Again, this goes back to the idea that an Egyptian man will want to take care of his wife.  In traditional Egyptian culture, a man will buy his fiancé gifts before marriage not the other way around.   I’m not saying you can’t send him gifts, but if he is asking for them I’d be suspicious.

§  Does he work?  Yeah, even with the poor economy in Egypt an honest man will find some kind of work.  Even college students work, if he doesn’t work find out why.  Take this into consideration.

·         Other details to watch out for:

o   In most cases, the family will not be in on the con.  While a few family member may be, most likely someone won’t be.  Ask to meet his family before you become serious.  If he is embarrassed to take you, or reluctant this should be alarming.

o   Make him meet your family before you’re married and do not take no for an answer.  This is a traditional requirement for marriage in Egypt and should never be avoided.  Any man trying to avoid would make me very suspicious.  If it upset him, just imagine how upset you’ll be if it turns out he is using you!

o   He should put your feelings first.  If he is overly concerned with himself, often tells you he’s becoming upset with you, tells you this or that will make him angry-please avoid him.  This is just a manipulation technique used by a lot of these men to guilt you into doing what they want.

o   Suggest living in Egypt.  I’m not saying you have to, but suggest it and stick to your suggestion until after your marriage and then change your mind if you want to go home.   A man who isn’t using you for immigration won’t mind living in Egypt at all, a man who is will insist on leaving.   

o   Insist on meeting his entire family before getting married, do not get married without meeting them.  I mean his immediate family, his grandparents, his aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Traditionally, you should meet his immediate family first privately and after they give you their blessings to be married, ask to meet his extended family.

o   Having sex before marriage is something that no Egyptian man (Christian or Muslim) with any moral upbringing will do if he respects himself, you, or his family.  I know this may be hard to understand as a westerner, but this is how men are raised in Egypt and is still something highly regarded. Besides, it is ILLEGAL for an Egyptian man to have sex outside of marriage. SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE (ADULTERY) IS ILLEGAL FOR ANYONE IN EGYPT (CHRISTIANS, MUSLIMS, RESIDENTS, AND FOREIGNERS), AND EVEN FOREIGNERS CAN BE ARRESTED. 

o   If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Follow your brain and forget about your heart or you may end up with a broken heart.

Obviously there are always other things that could suggest that they are using you.  If it seems suspicious, please proceed with caution.  As well as things I may not have mentioned, it is also fair to say that not every Egyptian man is out for a visa or money.  My husband and I have been happily married for two years, living in Egypt.  I know many women who have successful marriages with Egyptian men, living in Egypt and in the West.  Not every man who immigrates because of marriage is using a woman.  Please understand that and be aware that your fiancé may just be a good man who truly loves you.

As with any situation, don’t let love blind you.  I would hate to see any woman get hurt and advise you take it extremely slow with any man you become involved with. I wish you and your fiancé the best of luck. 

Everyday life in Egypt: Part 1 Laundry

So I have been living in Egypt for two years collectively now.  Life in Egypt is not what one would expect and each and every chore is a little harder than it is in Western societies.  Egypt lacks many western conveniences and it is hard to find many others.

One thing that took me a while to get used to was washing laundry.  As a mother of 3 daughter I have done a lot of laundry in my life.  Laundry never really was that much of a chore and I felt like I was a pro. Hahaha!  That was until I moved to Egypt.  A lot of things are different when you wash laundry and it becomes much more of a chore taking a lot more time and energy.

One of the first things I want to discuss is the drying.  In most Western countries we dry our clothes in dryers, or at least own a dryer.  I did do a lot of line drying in the summer because it saved money but always dried underwear and socks in the dryer.   It is very unlikely that you will find a dryer in Egypt.  They are technically reserved for the very rich or used in hotels for foreigners because they are outrageously expensive ($1000+).  They also take a lot of electricity, which there is a shortage of in Egypt and therefor is extremely expensive as well.

Clothes hanging from the balconies.

Most women hang dry their laundry, all year around.  This can be quite challenging being 90% of people in Egypt live in sky-rise apartment buildings. It is generally hung from a clothes line over the edge of your balcony, which can be quite tricky. Here are a few tips I have learned when hanging laundry.

• Use plastic clothes pins.  They are stronger than the wooden ones and do not leave rust stains on your clothes. Pin large or heavy items with extra pins.  Egypt is windy and you are possibly several stories off the ground.  I have lost an abaya and a lot of my husband's undershirts from not pinning things securely. 
• Do not spin your clothes out all the way.  This is a good method to avoid wrinkles. A lot of women hang them soaking wet, at least in the summer. They only take a couple of hours to dry in the hot sun and it saves you a lot of  ironing time. 
• Do not hang your clothes above your neighbor's clothes.  If your neighbor below you has clothes hanging and they do not have a balcony, please be polite and avoid hanging your clothes above theirs.  Even damp clothes drips and if it is dripping on theirs it could wet their clothes or possibly even damage it.
• Don't lean too far over your balcony edge.  Can you imagine falling several stories... Think about it... 
• Hang your underwear on the inside line behind the rest of the clothes. Traditionally, men's underwear and under shirts are hung on the outer line to show that there is a man living in the house.  If you're foreign this might be a good way to keep away unwanted guests.
• If you're still uncomfortable hanging your underwear outside, do as a good friend of mine did. Purchase a wooden or metal hanging rack and place it inside your home.  This provides you with privacy and the peace of mind that your underwear won't fly away.
• Hang the longest clothes (pants, skirts, abayas, sheets, etc...) closest in, just in front of your underwear line.  Try to go outwards from longest to shortest.  This is something I learned the hard way.  Egypt is windy.  If you hang long items on the outside line, they will just blow up and over the rest of your clothes and possibly tangle around them and blow with several other thing, away onto the street. An example of the best way to hang clothes is in the image below from dreamtimes.com.

As you can see, clothes are hung from the longest on the inside to the shortest on the outside.
Image from www.dreamtimes.com

Another thing that was a big difference in Egypt was the washing machine itself.  While there are automatic front loading washing machines, and most upper middle class families have one, you may not.  There are technically three kinds of washing machines in Egypt: automatic washers, bucket style washers, and split washers.  

I currently own a split machine, also known as a half automatic.  The automatic washers, like my mother-in-law and sister-in-law have, are going to be basically the same as what you're used to in the West except that the setting will probably be in Arabic.   

Bucket or Baby washers are small washing machines that only wash clothes.  They do not spin them and will not automatically fill or drain.  They are meant for small loads or small apartments.  They are pretty simple to use, my sister-in-law also has one of these for baby clothes and underwear.

Modern Bucket/Baby washer

The split washers are a bit to get used to.  Often times you will have to move them into your bathroom to wash with them because the waste water hose has to be lowered to drain the water out, which will run out the drain in the bathroom floor.

I have made the photo tutorial below which explains how to basically use a two sided washer:

Notice it has two sides.

This is a picture of my two sided washer.

The controls are in English and Arabic

The first step is to add water:

This is where you attach the hose for the water.  Make sure to switch it over to wash (on both the water feed and machine) when you are filling and select the load size you will need.

I don't have a hose so I choose to fill it with my shower hose. This works just as well, just be sure to remove it before washing.

If you are using your shower or other hose in the bowl, make sure to stop filling as marked on the inside of washer for the load size you will be washing.  I will be washing a medium sized load. If you don't do this you could easily overflow your washer.

The second step is to add your clothes and laundry detergent: 

Make sure to add soap appropriate for your machine.  Hand washing detergent is best in half automatic machines but I do use automatic detergent but make sure to have extra water to ensure it dissolves.

Set your timer and cycle type and close the washer.

Step Three: Drain water

Turn the washer knob over to drain and lower your hose.  Don't worry, your bathroom should have a drain.

Step Four: Rinse

In this step you will repeat the first two steps, but do not add soap. If you have fabric softener add it now. 

Step Five: Drain

Again, you will manually need to drain your washer

Step Six: Spin (Optional)

In this step you take your wet clothes from the wash portion and put them in small amounts into the spin portion of your washer.  Make sure to put the rubber shield over-top of your clothes. After you spin one portion, remove them and repeat until finished.  Remove washer from your bathroom when you're done.

Finally, I want to mention washing detergent.  There are several brands available but be careful on what you select because some is for hand washing and some is for automatic machines.   Also, if you wear black abayas often I suggest you get the detergent for darks (woolite or similar brand).  My preferred brand of detergent in Egypt is Oxi though I have used Tide (VERY expensive).  I do not like the Persil brand because it seems to be very generic and lacks scent and suds. Ariel is what I use for hand washing and is a decent brand and my preferred after Oxi. 

I wish you all the luck in your Egyptian journey.  Just remember to have fun and don't be afraid to ask for help.  Stay tuned for more this week on Part 2 of this series: Cooking!

Things to know before you marry and Egyptian

You're most likely here because you've recently taken interest or become engaged to an Egyptian man.  I'm actually really glad you are here because this is one step towards making a long lasting marriage.  

See, I've met a lot of girls over the years who have become engaged to and/or married Egyptian men. Most of these women I met knew little to nothing about Egyptian men and Egyptian life before marrying and from what I've seen, many of them have suffered to some degree or another from it.

I must admit, I have a wonderful marriage, alhamdulillah.  After two years we don't really struggle with cultural differences at all.  Mostly because both of us are somewhat understanding of where the other person is coming from.  We took a lot of time to get to know each other before we got married.  We asked a lot of questions, spent a lot of time talking, and paid close attention to one another's habits.  We never expected each other to be something we're not.  Thankfully, I seem to be more Egyptian than American because I already lived a lifestyle very similar to the traditional Egyptian lifestyle. I can only image if we weren't so understanding and patient with one another though, or if we wanted to change one another.

Have you ever heard the old saying, "Don't marry someone you want to change."  It is basically saying, if you can't live with someone the way they are, don't expect them to change or become something they're not.  If you don't love them for who they are don't marry them.  This is true in every relationship, especially those in which you marry someone from outside your own culture.  Don't try to change them, the only thing you can do is try to understand them and change yourself. 

It is my hopes that this guide can help some couples overcome the big hurdles by giving women a little knowledge on Egyptian life and Egyptian men.  I have talked to several other women, currently or previously married to Egyptian men, to try to make a list of some basic tips to help you either decide whether this is a commitment you want to make or to help you overcome some problems you may be faced with.

So let's get started:

1: Don't expect Egyptian men to be like Western men.

• Egyptian men are not like Western men.  What I mean by that is they don't think the same nor do they act the same.  For the most part, Egyptian men are raised to be the decision makers of the family.  While women do have some say, the big decisions will always be made by the men.  I advise any woman considering marriage to an Egyptian speak to her fiance' about who will make the important decisions before hand.  

• Egyptian men don't only like to control the decisions but they also like to be in control of their families.  Be prepared to ask for permission to leave the house, even if it is to go to the supermarket.  You will have to tell them everything.  The reasons for this vary as some like to know for your safety and others just expect you to obey them.  This doesn't go both ways. For the most part, Egyptian men come and go as they please and will not offer you any explanation. Demanding one may be asking for a very heated argument.  Again, I advise speaking to your significant other about this before you get married.  Very bluntly ask if this will be something they will expect of you.

• Egyptian men may try to hide things from you to try to 'protect' you.  For example, you husband may get hurt or detained by the police.  He may not call you if he is in the police station or hospital but will tell you once he comes home.  Basically, his thinking is that he doesn't want to worry you.  This is something a lot of women have mentioned and it is definitely something to discuss with your fiance' and be aware of before getting married.

• Egyptian men are very jealous. Do not expect to have male friends or associate with males without causing real problems in your relationship.  This is unheard of in Egyptian culture.  Women are friends with women and men are friends with men. Before, and after marriage, they do not mingle with the opposite sex. This is mostly religious but expect jealousy if you do, and most likely a heated argument or divorce.

• Traditionally, Egyptian men were raised to care for their families.  While they do have control over their families this is a double-edged sward for them.  For the most part, Egyptian men will work extremely hard for long hours and most likely, if you're living in Egypt, at least two jobs. Do not expect him to be home a lot and expect him to be tired when he does get home. Typically, Egyptian men only get off of work on Friday.  

2: Expect more traditional gender roles.

• Women in Egypt still abide by pretty traditional gender roles.  While they are free to go to college and work, it will depend on your spouse if he will allow it or not.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  He can dictate whether you work or not.  As a woman married to an Egyptian, your first obligation is to care for your family. If you're Muslim, you should already be aware of this duty, if you're not, be prepared for it. This is also true in Egyptian Christian families. Most men will allow you to work if you can also care for the home, have lunch prepared before he gets home from work, and can care for any children you two may have together.  If this is something you have a problem with, I would definitely advise you to reconsider marrying an Egyptian man. This is by far the biggest issue I see with couples.

• For the most part, a man's role in Egypt is to provide financially for his family but don't expect him to be your ATM machine.  This is why so many Egyptian men marry Western women. Many Egyptian women are unappreciative of their husband's work and expect him to give her money even if they can't afford it.  An Egyptian man takes pride in working as much as he can to give his family a decent life but this also can cause him to be away from home a lot. This causes the wife to do most of the raising of any children they may have. Do not expect him to change, even if you move outside of Egypt.  This is something most of their fathers have engraved in them passed down through the generations. 

• Egyptian men do not have women friends, traditionally.  Women do not befriend men in Egypt. Even at large family gatherings, women eat in different rooms than men, mostly so they can sit in their pajamas and remove their head scarves.  Your future spouse may be uncomfortable around your women friends and if you have male friends it can possibly ruin your marriage. Also, be aware that any man who has a lot of women friends is most likely not a good man.  I know this may be hard to understand, but in the Arab world, men who befriend women aren't honest.  They are usually womanizers and don't respect women.  This IS really important whether his is Muslim or Christian.  Please be aware of this now because most of the time it is an addiction they won't get rid of easily.

3: Egyptian In-Laws will invade your life.

• I can honestly say, I love my in-laws with all my heart and soul.  I am very blessed to have them and they are the most wonderful people I know.  One thing that really made my life easier was understanding my in-laws before I got married.  Egyptian families are very close.  Most men will do absolutely anything for his family, and honestly, I'd be afraid if an Egyptian man wouldn't.  This goes both ways.  If you're in a jam they will do anything for you as well, but expect them to want to be involved in your life-a lot.

• Egyptian Aunties.  I've heard horror stories about Egyptian Aunties.  Alhamdulillah, my husband has a wonderful family, but not every woman has experiences similar to mine. Your husband's Aunts and other older women family members may like to gossip about you.  Not because there is anything wrong with you, but let's face it, you are a foreigner and different. Try not to let it bother you.  One way to avoid this is to first be aware that it may happen. Secondly, don't do anything to draw extra attention to yourself publicly. 

• Egyptian mother-in-laws are wonderful.  I want to say that.  I love mama and she is a very close friend of mine.  Like my own blood.  If you get to know your future mother-in-law and understand her you will not go wrong.  Understand that they will be overbearing and especially since you are not Egyptian. They will be worried about the well being of their son, mostly that he won't be eating enough. They will expect you to cook Egyptian food and act in a way traditional to Egyptian women. If this is something you don't want to do, don't try and explain to her, this could result in insulting her or making it worse. I advise you just go along with what she says when she's around. Most Egyptian mothers are very tough and very set in their ways. They will want to help raise your children if you have any with your husband/future husband, because traditionally raising children is done by the entire family.  This is something you will not change if you're living in Egypt, and I don't advise you try to change it.  Just understand whether or not this will be something expected and get to know your mother-in-law before you marry.
• You may have more than one mother-in-law.  Yes, Egyptian men sometimes do have more than one wife.  They should all be treated like your mum and with equal respect. 

• His family will love you because they love him. If you're sick expect a family reunion to check on you.  Expect that to go both ways.  If you're in the hospital they will all show up.  Expect a lot of family get-togethers around the any holiday.

• When you marry an Egyptian you marry his entire family.  It's true.  Never, I mean never, insult them.  Especially his immediate family.  Most likely you will find yourself losing respect from him and possibly divorced.  

• Discuss these things with your future spouse because every family is different. I advise trying to get to know them before you get married. Maybe come for a visit first. Learn Egyptian Arabic and speak to them.  

4:  Other odds and ends

• If you're planning on living in Egypt for any length of time, please read my previous blog post on the Realistic and Harsh Truths: A Guide to Living in Egypt

• Learn to put your foot down.  Don't let them get away with something you don't like.  Tell them it bothers you before it gets to the point where you can't stand it.  

• Talk to your fiance about things before you get married. If something he does bothers you, tell him now.  Don't wait until you're married and expect him to change. 

• Try to be open minded.  You are marrying into a very old, traditional culture.  Try new things and explore what works for you and your family.  

• Please, please try to learn Egyptian Arabic.  I have a few post on here with some beginner words.  One site that really helped me a lot was https://www.memrise.com/.  You can also email me personally and I will attempt to help you as much as possible, inshallah.

• Finally, remember, every relationship is different and so is every individual. Follow your heart but not so much that it clouds your judgement.  If something doesn't feel right, it very well may not be.  

I wish everyone the best of luck in their relationships.  I will be working on other posts regarding more about Egyptian men, everyday life in Egypt, and some tips on surviving the culture shock.  Be sure to check back often.