Perception of Time

Moving to Dearborn sounded so romantic.  Just leaving the obsessive bad thing in my life behind and staring over again.  Getting to start new.  But it has dawned on my that by being slightly introverted and moving to an area where I know ONE person can be lonely.  Its not like there is a place for a 30 year old Muslimah to hang out.

Top that off  left my little loves behind.  The three reasons I breathe.  The three beautiful amazing little girls I have loved and cared for, never been away from for more than two days in their entire lives... Now they're far away.  It kills me.  But until things cool down, and their dad regains his sanity, this is better for now. 

Leaving a place where I was the only Muslim amongst my christian friends and feeling alone to moving to a place where I am surrounded by Muslims but having absolutely no connection to anyone here is complete irony.

What holds me together is the fact that I know time does progress.  No matter how fast or slow we perceive time it moves at a constant pace and always has.  It is occupying ones mind with thoughts other than the waiting and loneliness that give us the perception that time is actually moving faster.

So, instead of sitting here thinking about how lonely I am without him... It's time to motivate and make something of my life.

I did it.

I made it official and asked for a divorce.

I am staying with a friend.  No the girls aren't with me yet.  It sucks.  I feel so empty without them but they deserve more than to see us fighting every singe day in and out.  It's not fair.  It's also not fair to rip them away from their home, their school, their friends, and stability.  I don't know where this is going to lead me.

Chris isn't happy.  He insists he's sorry and doesn't understand. He is desperately begging me to come home.  He has threatened suicide and has been calling me every 10 minutes.  I can't give in. I can't go back to that.  I deserve better,  My girls deserve better.  They need to learn that if someone treats you like that you don't have to take it, you need to get out.  I will come back for them.  This is better for us all.

I'm frustrated and tired.  

I just can't get away

What will I do with my girls?

Yes I own a business, yes I go to school, but who knows where I'm going to end up.  I don't want to rip them away from their home.  If I stay and make him leave there is no law preventing him from coming back because he owns the home also.  I don't know what to do to get out of here. God help me. I'm so afraid.  Should I leave the girls with him until I get things situated? Should I take them away?  Where will I go?  I don't have any stock pile of $$.

It's so frustrating.  So frightening.  Every day I fear for my life but I have other lives to consider first. It's the life of a mother.  

Biggest Decision Ever

I am going to leave my husband.

I have put up with the abuse for too many years now.

I can't change him, he doesn't even think there is anything wrong with him.

My children are constantly feeling the tension, the moment he walks in the door everyone scatters like broken glass on the concrete.

I don't know where to go.  I don't know what I'm going to do but what I do know is that this has got to end.  I don't love him. Maybe I never have.

I've been sleeping on the sofa if I make it to bed at all.  Shouldn't that say something.

I'm not sure this is going to go over well, but I'll let you know soon enough.

Wish me luck.