TIME OUT!! Deep Breath.

I want to entitle today as: Panic Attack Saturday

Trains, buses, cars, and planes.  All form of transportation I will use in the next 4 days.  Yeah.  In four days I will fly to Egypt (Come back in the spring or summer).  And live happily ever after.  IN FOUR DAYS

So what's with the panic attack?  I am a complete introvert.  There will be people.  Lots of people.  

I have been introverted all my life.  I knew this was going to be rough but I figured, the excitement and joy would get me through the panic just fine.  And if that didn't to it, well surely Allah would help me.  Well, panic hit me. Crying, hyperventilating, the whole thing.  YaRab

Now this does not mean in ANY manner that I am not ready..  He is my heart.  There is no question to this.  I want to be his wife more than I desire almost any other thing in life right now, besides the girls.  This simply means, I feel vulnerable and nervous.

First off... I have never flown before.  Like ever.  I will get on a plane in Chicago, fly 10+ hours to Istanbul, have a 14 hour layover, and then fly another 4 hours to Cairo.  Before this though... I will need to get on a train, ride 5 hours to Chicago, take an 8 hour bus ride to Appleton, WI... pick up a few things, take another 4 hour bus ride back to Madison WI where I will stay with my mother for two days, and then either get a ride in a car or take a bus to O'hare. This is all going to happen in 4 days. OMG

  Ok.  Here is the other issue.  I understand Arabic well.  But I speak it very very little.  There will be VERY few English speaking people there.  What am I going to do?  I am going to look like an idiot.  And worse yet, I am afraid to embarrass Wael.  And there will be people there.  Yeah.  Introverts and people... Um. IDK. 

I'm avoiding coffee.   Going to take a long bath.   And then going to go take a nap.   Hopefully another long day will be over.  Tomorrow.  Off to Wisconsin inshallah.

Happy 5th Birthday to my little princess

Happy 5th Birthday to my little princess. Mama loves you Alyssa even if she's not there.  

Cried all day, first birthday without her mama.  Kills me.  Makes me hate my ex even more.  Wouldn't have had to leave if he could have just been somewhat normal about getting divorced.  Not some obsessive freak. But its God's will.  

Jealousy

I'm sorry if I get jealous sometimes and overreact...

Its only because there is a bigger chance of me losing  you than of you losing me.

Regret

Hurting you has caused a pain I can't bare, its an emptiness, and I feel like I can barely breath.  I love you so much.  Can you forgive me again?  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I hurts so much to know that I hurt you.  I feel like you're all silently broken and I have created this.  So, please my beautiful baby girls,don't forget me, and see I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry. 

“I know nothing - nothing in the world - of the hearts of men. I only know that I am alone - horribly alone.”-Ford Madox Ford

Perception of Time

Moving to Dearborn sounded so romantic.  Just leaving the obsessive bad thing in my life behind and staring over again.  Getting to start new.  But it has dawned on my that by being slightly introverted and moving to an area where I know ONE person can be lonely.  Its not like there is a place for a 30 year old Muslimah to hang out.

Top that off  left my little loves behind.  The three reasons I breathe.  The three beautiful amazing little girls I have loved and cared for, never been away from for more than two days in their entire lives... Now they're far away.  It kills me.  But until things cool down, and their dad regains his sanity, this is better for now. 

Leaving a place where I was the only Muslim amongst my christian friends and feeling alone to moving to a place where I am surrounded by Muslims but having absolutely no connection to anyone here is complete irony.

What holds me together is the fact that I know time does progress.  No matter how fast or slow we perceive time it moves at a constant pace and always has.  It is occupying ones mind with thoughts other than the waiting and loneliness that give us the perception that time is actually moving faster.

So, instead of sitting here thinking about how lonely I am without him... It's time to motivate and make something of my life.

I did it.

I made it official and asked for a divorce.

I am staying with a friend.  No the girls aren't with me yet.  It sucks.  I feel so empty without them but they deserve more than to see us fighting every singe day in and out.  It's not fair.  It's also not fair to rip them away from their home, their school, their friends, and stability.  I don't know where this is going to lead me.

Chris isn't happy.  He insists he's sorry and doesn't understand. He is desperately begging me to come home.  He has threatened suicide and has been calling me every 10 minutes.  I can't give in. I can't go back to that.  I deserve better,  My girls deserve better.  They need to learn that if someone treats you like that you don't have to take it, you need to get out.  I will come back for them.  This is better for us all.

I'm frustrated and tired.  

I just can't get away

What will I do with my girls?

Yes I own a business, yes I go to school, but who knows where I'm going to end up.  I don't want to rip them away from their home.  If I stay and make him leave there is no law preventing him from coming back because he owns the home also.  I don't know what to do to get out of here. God help me. I'm so afraid.  Should I leave the girls with him until I get things situated? Should I take them away?  Where will I go?  I don't have any stock pile of $$.

It's so frustrating.  So frightening.  Every day I fear for my life but I have other lives to consider first. It's the life of a mother.