Anger. Frustration. Determination. Emptiness. Resentment. Overwhelmed. Tormented. Vengeful.
A mess of angry emotions flood my mind. Every afternoon, as it is morning where my beautiful girls are waking up and starting their day. Starting their day without me.
Nine years of motherhood all for what?! All my life is. Meaning of my life. Every struggle. Every ounce of pain. It was all worth it. It was for my babies. Ten years of an abusive marriage. Trying to hold a failing family together. Keeping everyone smiling when I fell asleep every night crying.
Now without them I feel lost. I have no one to care for. No one to occupy my mind, my time. I feel like this is all I know. I'm lost. I want to be happy but without them I can't truly live my life.
Never will I stop fighting. They will be back where they belong, where they are safe and loved. Inshallah. But I will never stop regretting leaving them with my ex-husband. No matter how good of an idea it was at the time. No matter how hard it would have been if I would have kept them with no steady job, full-time college, no house... No matter how it was for their best interest... I can't seem to justify it anymore.
No matter how often I talk to them its never enough. We're separated by 6,000 miles and my biggest fear is that something will happen while I'm here. While I have no way to them. While I may not get to say goodbye.
I have to trust God. If we are meant to get the girls, its his will. No amount of money, no lawyers, no amount of convincing will change the outcome. I can't stop fighting. I can't give up. But... Its that time.
3:28 PM here in Egypt. 7:28 AM in Wisconsin. The two oldest will be on their way to school. It's my time to talk to them for 5 minutes today.
Anger. Frustration. Determination. Emptiness. Resentment. Overwhelmed. Tormented. Vengeful.
A mess of angry emotions flood my mind. Every afternoon, as it is morning where my beautiful girls are waking up and starting their day. Starting their day without me.
Nine years of motherhood all for what?! All my life is. Meaning of my life. Every struggle. Every ounce of pain. It was all worth it. It was for my babies. Ten years of an abusive marriage. Trying to hold a failing family together. Keeping everyone smiling when I fell asleep every night crying.
Now without them I feel lost. I have no one to care for. No one to occupy my mind, my time. I feel like this is all I know. I'm lost. I want to be happy but without them I can't truly live my life.
Never will I stop fighting. They will be back where they belong, where they are safe and loved. Inshallah. But I will never stop regretting leaving them with my ex-husband. No matter how good of an idea it was at the time. No matter how hard it would have been if I would have kept them with no steady job, full-time college, no house... No matter how it was for their best interest... I can't seem to justify it anymore.
No matter how often I talk to them its never enough. We're separated by 6,000 miles and my biggest fear is that something will happen while I'm here. While I have no way to them. While I may not get to say goodbye.
I have to trust God. If we are meant to get the girls, its his will. No amount of money, no lawyers, no amount of convincing will change the outcome. I can't stop fighting. I can't give up. But... Its that time.
3:28 PM here in Egypt. 7:28 AM in Wisconsin. The two oldest will be on their way to school. It's my time to talk to them for 5 minutes today.
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