Falling in love... With the Sea

It's true.  Sooo peaceful here.  Love it.

In Turkey

10 hours of flying finished.  I'm in Istanbul.  Alhamdulillah.

Pre-flight mood.  Meh.  Lets get this show on the road.

Economy airline seats suck for herniated disks, btw.  And snoring Pakistanis should be smothered with pillows.  Or at least given breath mints.

Food was great.  I'll give Turkish airlines that much.  No real turbulence.  And landing was not what I expected.  Slow and gentle.

Now I have 5 hours left of my 14 hour layover.  I went and showered at a hotel room.  Ate.  Called Wael.  Ate again.  Drank some soda.  Need a cigarette.  Need another cigarette.  Need coffee. Had coffee.  Tired as shit.  Just want my last 2 1/2 hour flight to start.

This is my 1AM snack.  You know, I just left yesterday, which was Tuesday night.  And its already early Thursday morning.  Woooow.  Weird.

Next stop... Cairo.

Alhamdulillah. I'm leaving.

Waited all day at the Federal Building.  We didn't know what was going to happen.  Passport and fly, or no passport and waste our money? 

Finally just before they closed I was handed my passport.  Alhamdulillah.  I'm off to Cairo.  Flight leaves in 45 minutes.

Couldn't be happier.  Well, I could but let's not ruin this moment.

Downtown Chicago with the year's first snowfall from yesterday. Close to destination after walking 50 blocks dragging 48lbs of luggage and 25 lbs of carry-on.

One step forward one be step back.

I'm back at O'hare.  Waiting for my passport this time. I'll have it tomorrow as my flight leaves tomorrow night for Egypt. Inshallah. Spent what seemed like forever at the federal building.  Paid expidited fees to only be told they need to further verify my identify and it could be done tomorrow or take weeks. Kills me to think we might have to be apart longer but its the will of God.  Soon inshallah.

Delayed

It has been several days since I left for Chicago.   I have not yet departed for Cairo.   I spent 40 hours in Ohare with an abundance of hang ups. But Inshaallah I leave Tuesday.

TIME OUT!! Deep Breath.

I want to entitle today as: Panic Attack Saturday

Trains, buses, cars, and planes.  All form of transportation I will use in the next 4 days.  Yeah.  In four days I will fly to Egypt (Come back in the spring or summer).  And live happily ever after.  IN FOUR DAYS

So what's with the panic attack?  I am a complete introvert.  There will be people.  Lots of people.  

I have been introverted all my life.  I knew this was going to be rough but I figured, the excitement and joy would get me through the panic just fine.  And if that didn't to it, well surely Allah would help me.  Well, panic hit me. Crying, hyperventilating, the whole thing.  YaRab

Now this does not mean in ANY manner that I am not ready..  He is my heart.  There is no question to this.  I want to be his wife more than I desire almost any other thing in life right now, besides the girls.  This simply means, I feel vulnerable and nervous.

First off... I have never flown before.  Like ever.  I will get on a plane in Chicago, fly 10+ hours to Istanbul, have a 14 hour layover, and then fly another 4 hours to Cairo.  Before this though... I will need to get on a train, ride 5 hours to Chicago, take an 8 hour bus ride to Appleton, WI... pick up a few things, take another 4 hour bus ride back to Madison WI where I will stay with my mother for two days, and then either get a ride in a car or take a bus to O'hare. This is all going to happen in 4 days. OMG

  Ok.  Here is the other issue.  I understand Arabic well.  But I speak it very very little.  There will be VERY few English speaking people there.  What am I going to do?  I am going to look like an idiot.  And worse yet, I am afraid to embarrass Wael.  And there will be people there.  Yeah.  Introverts and people... Um. IDK. 

I'm avoiding coffee.   Going to take a long bath.   And then going to go take a nap.   Hopefully another long day will be over.  Tomorrow.  Off to Wisconsin inshallah.

Happy 5th Birthday to my little princess

Happy 5th Birthday to my little princess. Mama loves you Alyssa even if she's not there.  

Cried all day, first birthday without her mama.  Kills me.  Makes me hate my ex even more.  Wouldn't have had to leave if he could have just been somewhat normal about getting divorced.  Not some obsessive freak. But its God's will.  

Jealousy

I'm sorry if I get jealous sometimes and overreact...

Its only because there is a bigger chance of me losing  you than of you losing me.

Regret

Hurting you has caused a pain I can't bare, its an emptiness, and I feel like I can barely breath.  I love you so much.  Can you forgive me again?  I didn't mean to hurt you.  I hurts so much to know that I hurt you.  I feel like you're all silently broken and I have created this.  So, please my beautiful baby girls,don't forget me, and see I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry. 

“I know nothing - nothing in the world - of the hearts of men. I only know that I am alone - horribly alone.”-Ford Madox Ford